Daily Writing Prompt: Comfort Zone

What are you more comfortable with — routine and planning, or laissez-faire spontaneity?

I’m just not a go-with-the-flow kinda gal.  Never have been.  I like things steady, predictable, smooooth flowing with no bumps.  I don’t like change.  Period.  I’m always prepared.  Period.  Change gives me anxiety.  I don’t know what to expect.  Change is unpredictable.  Change goes against my plans.  Change makes me cringe.

And then I got married, had kids, got a divorce, met a new guy, got married, moved, got a different job, put my kids in different schools and BOY OH BOY did things change!

Never in my WILDEST dreams did I think I’d have quite this much upheaval in my life.  I was unhappily married for 18 years.  Yes, I was unhappy, but it was as predictable as life can get with a bipolar husband who loved his whiskey.  I was determined to make it work because I was comfortable.  I had the kids, a job, the house, the pets – all items fairly predictable and somewhat stable.  I was holding it together.

Until the day I didn’t.

My then-husband liked to find fault with me.  I was overweight.  When I lost weight and worked out, it was because I was having an affair and then suddenly the house wasn’t clean enough.  When I cleaned the house until the point of exhaustion, I was tired because I was having an affair and I was suddenly a horrible cook.  When I worked harder at becoming a better cook, I was having another affair and suddenly the kids weren’t behaving and it was my fault.  Do you see a pattern here?

I COULDN’T WIN!!!!  Not only did I never ever ever cheat on my husband, when in the hell would I have had time to do so???  So, one day I figured it out and admitted it to myself:  He’s a bipolar alcoholic and he’s looking for my faults so he can put the blame on me instead of taking a good long look at himself in the mirror.  On that day, I said the phrase that finally broke him:

“Add it to the list.”

Five simple words signaled the end of my marriage.  Everytime after that first time, when he would point out one of my numerous perceived faults, I would reply, “Add it to the list.”  When he finally asked me to explain my response, I did so fully and without holding back.  He told me I was crazy and just messing with his mind by telling him he’s bipolar.  (Author’s note:  He later discovered that I was right.)  He said he was merely pointing out things on which I need to improve.

Long story short, we tried to make it work for a few more years and it just…  didn’t.

Yes, it was hard to divorce and I’m still dealing with the fallout.  The kids are still coping as best they can.

But we’re okay.

In the words of the remarkable Patty Loveless, “Life’s about changing.  Nothing ever stays the same.”

It took me a long time to realize I can’t control everything.  I can’t do it all.  I’d still rather chew off my own arm than ask for help, but I’ve also learned the mantra IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Every day is a gift and we must strive to make the most of it.  I’ve learned to be much more laidback and to not get so fired up if there’s a change in the schedule.  Life is much different now.  I have a wonderful and supportive husband who is a great partner in life.  He steps up to help with the kids, he helps with their events and activities, he cooks, he helps around the house and, most importantly, when I’ve driven myself into a “gotta get it all done NOW” tizzy, he asks me to sit down, take a moment, to breathe, he gives me a hug and a kiss, then asks how he can help.  And he MEANS it.  It makes all the difference in my life and he’ll never know how much I appreciate him for doing that.

His simple selfless gestures and unsolicited offers of help mean that I’m not alone in this life.  I now have a partner to help me ride the waves Life throws our way.

It’s nice 🙂

That being said, I still like to be prepared as much as possible.

1.  When I travel, I make a list of items to pack.  Before we leave our destination to go home, I pull the list back out, to make sure we don’t forget anything.

2.  I like to pack a cooler with food, drinks and snacks when going on driving trips, in case we get hungry or thirsty.

3.  I keep a small tote in my car containing the following items:  A small motorized air pump (for flat or low tires), a box of bendy straws (to allow my son to drink his Gatorade with his football or baseball helmet on), a jar of peanut butter (for my hypoglycemic daughter in an emergency), plastic spoons, cheese crackers and a variety of pudding or fruit cups (for a quick snack), a package of new socks (for whichever kid forgets their socks – it happens more often than I’d like to admit), baby wipes (kids are messy) and bottled water.

4.  No, I don’t carry around a huge bag or purse.  When I’m shopping I take my phone, a debit card, my driver’s license and my car keys.  I see no reason to lug around a huge bag all the time.  I leave the purse in the car.  I can always go back for something, if needed.

5.  BUT!  in my purse, right now, I DO have:  My checkbook, a credit card (for emergency only), all my other cards (insurance, frequent shopper cards, etc.), hand lotion, lipstick, chapstick, spare change, an emory board, Ibuprophen, antiacids, a small makeup compact, deodorant (for some reason, this is the thing I forget most often each morning), and Neosporin.  It’s a small, EXTREMELY well organized little bag.

I’m a list maker.  To do lists, grocery lists, reminder lists.  I’m so thankful for my iPhone!  It keeps me organized without making me carry around extra junk!

Yes, I like to be prepared for anything.  But, I’m almost 40 and have 2 very active kids.  Thankfully, I have a husband who makes me stop on occasion to take a breath while he holds my hand.  I can deal with the ebbs and flows of life, as long as he’s there.

And I’m thankful.

The Luck of the Irish

Has it been three months since I last blogged?  Where ARE my manners?  I just left ya hangin’, didn’t I?  So sorry about that. I’ll try to do better 😉

With St. Patrick’s Day right around the corner, I feel the need to point out my name.  Unbeknownst to her, my mother gave me a very Irish name:  Shannon Colleen.  My first name means Godly wisdom.  My middle name is something akin to an Irish lass.  It makes me think of Leprechauns for some reason.

Lucky Charms, anyone?

Let’s see…  Where to begin?  Hmm….  Still married.  Still have kids.  Still living in the country.  Chickens finally started laying eggs.  Then they stopped.  Hoping they start up again soon.

Just kidding.  But, really, life hasn’t changed much.  Kids are still in archery and doing very well (better than I anticipated, to be honest).  The Girl has started Track this week.  The Boy will be starting baseball soon.  It’s almost time to start planting the garden.  Spring will be busy, as usual.

I love the new job.  The hours are great and flexible.  It lets me earn a paycheck and still be able to be an active participant in Life without running myself into the ground.  My boss is laid back.  My co-workers are genuinely nice people.

The Girl is now 5’6″.  Long, dark hair.  Big, brown eyes.  Slim, but athletic.  She has her moments when I’m quite concerned she’s been possessed, but those moments pass and she returns to her quirky, funny, compassionate self.  She’s still working on the friend thing at school, but as she talks to her old friends, I think she’s realizing Middle School pretty much sucks for everyone.  I feel for her.  Unfortunately, everyone has to go through it.

She’s discovered she likes to sell things.  Each week, I have to pick up the local free “stuff for sale” newspaper-like thing (what’s the word for that?).  She scours through it, looking for items.  The first time she picked one up, within 20 minutes, she’d sold 8 of our superfluous roosters.  And she was hooked.  She texts in her ads to sell various items:  Her old softball bat, a pair of unused Nikes her grandmother bought for her, her old softball glove (used once for practice – it was the wrong size), a formal dress from a pageant, her country eggs.  Unexpected, but she enjoys it.  She shoots archery and has won quite a few medals.

The Boy is as tall as my nose (around 5′).  Same dark hair.  Same dark eyes.  Still charming.  He’s on the Academic Team and has a few more blue ribbons and medals to add to his collection.  He’s become a responsible kid who realizes he can relax after chores are done, so he’s stopped dragging his feet on that, thank goodness.  He also shoots archery and is a member of his school’s team.

The Husband is still around, too.  LOL  Honestly, he’s my Rock.  It’s so nice to be with a person who loves me just the way I am.  It’s also very nice to have this wonderful man in my life who offers me hugs freely and often, who snuggles like there’s no tomorrow, who works hard not only to support his family but also to get things done around the property, who is a good example for the kids, who loves the kids enough to not be a pushover for them, and who just…  loves us with all of his heart.

Life is a complex, crazy thing.  Each day I get out of bed, thankful to have another day of this Life.  I go to bed, thankful for the day I’ve had and the family/friends with whom I’ve been blessed.  Yes, Life is busy.  Yes, Life is sometimes difficult.  Although there have been times throughout my life I wasn’t sure I’d be able (or willing) to go on, I can now look back and realize everything happened for a reason.  Life molded me into the person I am today.

I am loyal and honest.  I love with my whole heart.  I am true.  But, I’ve always been these things.  I just had to find a partner with the same traits.  Now I realize I’m LUCKY.

Maybe my mom was onto something, afterall…

Changes… Bumpkin update.

As of June 27th, 2012, I became a Mrs. again. I really thought I’d never do it again. Thought I’d never have those heart flutters. Thought no one would ever be worth the effort.

I was wrong.

So, we got married and moved further into the country. We now live in the middle of 15 acres (It’s actually closer to cities than where we used to live, so its MUCH better). We worked in the garden all summer. We canned and froze what we could. We built a new chicken coop for the now fully-grown chickens (who still aren’t laying any eggs – GRRR). I took up the sport of trapshooting (more on that later). My son has blossomed into a really awesome kid. My daughter…. well, I’ll get to that.

So many changes. So many things still the same. Sigh. I still have my old house, on which I’m paying a huge mortgage. I’m trying to sell it and plan on listing it with a realtor in January. We’ve been working on it as we can, throughout the summer. There’s just so much to be done!

When I look out my front door, I see a large field, bordered with trees. There’s one tree, straight ahead from the door, that is very old. It stands majestically above all the other trees, it’s limbs gnarled and twisted with age. I marvel at its beauty.

It’s quiet in the country. That’s my favorite thing. My husband and I love to get up before dawn, just to sit outside and quietly watch the world awaken. First, the rustling and chirping of the early birds. Then the slight change from dark to dawn. Occasionally, we see an owl, searching for his next meal. The sun rises. The squirrels begin their busy day and playing. Sometimes deer wander into the field (yes, if it’s deer season, my husband shoots them – PETA people leave me alone, please. The meat does not go to waste. It’s either processed for our freezer or goes to some other family so that they can have meat in their freezer, as well. It is not wasted and not done for mere sport).

Moving on…

My son. Well, when we moved there he was all about his DS. All we ever saw was the top of his head. He rarely spoke. So, we took away the DS and assigned chores. He was angry. Very angry. (If you knew me, you’d know I think video games are the worst thing that has happened to kids. It rots their brains and deprives them of developing social skills. Ahh, that’s a post for later…) But, a funny thing happened: He started talking (and talking and talking and talking). He went outside. He picked up a football. He cleaned his room. He remembered he loves board games. He also went to a new school. It was the first time he wasn’t his sister’s little brother. Because she’s in 6th grade, she went to middle school. He wasn’t in her shadow. He blossomed. He became a popular kid. He has friends, plays, interacts and smiles when he talks. It’s a nice change. In the last six months, I’ve watched my son go from video game-obsessed, never speaking, holed-up-in-his-room, “leave me alone” to this outgoing, smiling, bright-eyed boy who’s active, charming and engaging. It’s kind of impressed me.

My daughter? Different story. At her old school, she was well-known and popular. Not only is it middle school (which generally sucks for everyone), but it’s a NEW middle school, where she didn’t know anyone. She’s made a few good friends, but has struggled to gain her footing. She’s trying to assert her independence (she IS 12, afterall, and knows EVERYTHING) and is trying to make her way in the world.

She’ll get there. I just have to love her enough to be patient and kind and teach her that the world doesn’t revolve around her, adults don’t get to do whatever they want just because they’re adults, money is not something to be wasted and, although I may not like her or her actions at times, I will always love her.

My husband has been a trooper through it all: Beginning of school, football season, volleyball season, now archery. Although he has a daughter who’s now old enough to drink legally, she lived with her mom. Sometimes it feels like we’re a circus who showed up suddenly on his property one day, set up, and never left. It’s crazy and hectic when he’s used to alone and quiet, but he’s doing very well. We’re all adjusting to this new blended family.

On a sidenote, the ex is doing much better. He’s stopping drinking and has gotten help. He’s trying to prioritize the kids and no longer speaks to me like I’m the enemy. We’ll never be friends, but we know we have two kids we brought into the world and what we do is a direct reflection onto them. It’s our job to work together to do what’s best for them.

Life is about change. It’s ever-evolving. I wake up every morning, wrapped in the arms of someone who loves me. I wake up the kids. The boy smiles and starts his day. The girl changes her outfit 47 times and complains about how unfair things are, but she still gets up, gets dressed and faces the day as best she can. My husband leaves for work. I drive the kids to the end of our 1/3 mile long driveway to wait for the bus. They get on the bus and I head to work. I’m home before everyone.

Did I mention I got a new job? See? I TOLD ya there were lots of changes! After 7 years at my old job, I walked in on a Wednesday (after payroll and billing had been completed) to be told I was no longer needed. I’d been training my new “assistant” for three weeks. I had figured (and even told her) that she was being trained to replace me for less money). I was right. But, it was time. I’d given my all and was tired of the stress. So, I now work for a real estate agent in a quiet office in a much larger city. No stress. Small office. No more CORPORATE. Very nice. Much better.

I try to maintain a positive attitude at all times. It’s not always easy, but I remind myself that God has a plan for me. He’ll put me where he wants me, even if it means divorce, new husband, new home, new schools, new job and new challenges (opportunities) every day.

I’ll get there, too.

He asked. I said yes.

Last year at this time, I’d been separated for two months, had some fun with an old college buddy, marked a few things off my bucket list and had every intention of staying single for the rest of my life. I jokingly told my best friend that, “for me to ever get married again, it’s going to have to be a pretty spectacular person.”

I think God heard me and replied, “Oh yeah? I’ll accept that challenge.”

Because I live in a somewhat rural area, I joined Match.com to meet new people. You know, conversation and laughs. Maybe a dinner date or a movie once in a while. Little did I know that I’d soon meet Mr. Spectacular himself.

We started talking as friends and decided we’d meet face to face, just to be able to put an actual face to the text. We met for dinner and I was immediately drawn to this person. He met the kids and everyone got along.

For the past 9 months I’ve been on the lookout for red flags. I’ve been told it’s “too soon” after my divorce to get remarried. To be honest, my marriage was over many years ago. We just became different people. I didn’t like the person he became and he didn’t like the person I was because I hadn’t changed to fit his new persona.

My future husband is very even-keeled, reserved and quiet but has a great sense of humor and works very hard every day. He’s just what I needed. He has been my lighthouse in the dark – what I needed even though I wouldn’t admit to anyone.

I live my life as I always have: Without apology and as I choose. My kids have been great throughout the whole process. Yes, we know it will take a lot of work on everyone’s part. No, it won’t be easy. But we’re willing to try.

By this time next week, I’ll be a newlywed again. Sure, it scares the piss outta me to think that I’m doing this again. But I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t think it was worth it. After all, Mr. Spectacular didn’t earn his nickname by being mediocre…