What are you more comfortable with — routine and planning, or laissez-faire spontaneity?
I’m just not a go-with-the-flow kinda gal. Never have been. I like things steady, predictable, smooooth flowing with no bumps. I don’t like change. Period. I’m always prepared. Period. Change gives me anxiety. I don’t know what to expect. Change is unpredictable. Change goes against my plans. Change makes me cringe.
And then I got married, had kids, got a divorce, met a new guy, got married, moved, got a different job, put my kids in different schools and BOY OH BOY did things change!
Never in my WILDEST dreams did I think I’d have quite this much upheaval in my life. I was unhappily married for 18 years. Yes, I was unhappy, but it was as predictable as life can get with a bipolar husband who loved his whiskey. I was determined to make it work because I was comfortable. I had the kids, a job, the house, the pets – all items fairly predictable and somewhat stable. I was holding it together.
Until the day I didn’t.
My then-husband liked to find fault with me. I was overweight. When I lost weight and worked out, it was because I was having an affair and then suddenly the house wasn’t clean enough. When I cleaned the house until the point of exhaustion, I was tired because I was having an affair and I was suddenly a horrible cook. When I worked harder at becoming a better cook, I was having another affair and suddenly the kids weren’t behaving and it was my fault. Do you see a pattern here?
I COULDN’T WIN!!!! Not only did I never ever ever cheat on my husband, when in the hell would I have had time to do so??? So, one day I figured it out and admitted it to myself: He’s a bipolar alcoholic and he’s looking for my faults so he can put the blame on me instead of taking a good long look at himself in the mirror. On that day, I said the phrase that finally broke him:
“Add it to the list.”
Five simple words signaled the end of my marriage. Everytime after that first time, when he would point out one of my numerous perceived faults, I would reply, “Add it to the list.” When he finally asked me to explain my response, I did so fully and without holding back. He told me I was crazy and just messing with his mind by telling him he’s bipolar. (Author’s note: He later discovered that I was right.) He said he was merely pointing out things on which I need to improve.
Long story short, we tried to make it work for a few more years and it just… didn’t.
Yes, it was hard to divorce and I’m still dealing with the fallout. The kids are still coping as best they can.
But we’re okay.
In the words of the remarkable Patty Loveless, “Life’s about changing. Nothing ever stays the same.”
It took me a long time to realize I can’t control everything. I can’t do it all. I’d still rather chew off my own arm than ask for help, but I’ve also learned the mantra IT IS WHAT IT IS.
Every day is a gift and we must strive to make the most of it. I’ve learned to be much more laidback and to not get so fired up if there’s a change in the schedule. Life is much different now. I have a wonderful and supportive husband who is a great partner in life. He steps up to help with the kids, he helps with their events and activities, he cooks, he helps around the house and, most importantly, when I’ve driven myself into a “gotta get it all done NOW” tizzy, he asks me to sit down, take a moment, to breathe, he gives me a hug and a kiss, then asks how he can help. And he MEANS it. It makes all the difference in my life and he’ll never know how much I appreciate him for doing that.
His simple selfless gestures and unsolicited offers of help mean that I’m not alone in this life. I now have a partner to help me ride the waves Life throws our way.
It’s nice 🙂
That being said, I still like to be prepared as much as possible.
1. When I travel, I make a list of items to pack. Before we leave our destination to go home, I pull the list back out, to make sure we don’t forget anything.
2. I like to pack a cooler with food, drinks and snacks when going on driving trips, in case we get hungry or thirsty.
3. I keep a small tote in my car containing the following items: A small motorized air pump (for flat or low tires), a box of bendy straws (to allow my son to drink his Gatorade with his football or baseball helmet on), a jar of peanut butter (for my hypoglycemic daughter in an emergency), plastic spoons, cheese crackers and a variety of pudding or fruit cups (for a quick snack), a package of new socks (for whichever kid forgets their socks – it happens more often than I’d like to admit), baby wipes (kids are messy) and bottled water.
4. No, I don’t carry around a huge bag or purse. When I’m shopping I take my phone, a debit card, my driver’s license and my car keys. I see no reason to lug around a huge bag all the time. I leave the purse in the car. I can always go back for something, if needed.
5. BUT! in my purse, right now, I DO have: My checkbook, a credit card (for emergency only), all my other cards (insurance, frequent shopper cards, etc.), hand lotion, lipstick, chapstick, spare change, an emory board, Ibuprophen, antiacids, a small makeup compact, deodorant (for some reason, this is the thing I forget most often each morning), and Neosporin. It’s a small, EXTREMELY well organized little bag.
I’m a list maker. To do lists, grocery lists, reminder lists. I’m so thankful for my iPhone! It keeps me organized without making me carry around extra junk!
Yes, I like to be prepared for anything. But, I’m almost 40 and have 2 very active kids. Thankfully, I have a husband who makes me stop on occasion to take a breath while he holds my hand. I can deal with the ebbs and flows of life, as long as he’s there.
And I’m thankful.