180 Degrees

Tell us about a time you did a 180 — changed your views on something, reversed a decision, or acted in a way you ordinarily don’t.

The very first thing my ex-mother-in-law said to me was not, “Hello.”  or “Nice to meet you.”  It was, as she peered deeply into my eyes, “Why, you’re as old as Methuselah.”  She didn’t mean I physically LOOKED old (at the ripe old age of 19 I still looked like a little kid).  I didn’t take it as an insult.  I’d understood what she’d meant immediately:

What she was telling me was, “You have an old soul.”

She was right.

My entire life I’ve been old.  Always responsible, full of common sense and wisdom beyond my years.  Even in high school I told my friends, “Maybe when I’m 30 I’ll feel like myself.”

I was right.

I developed depression around the age of 13 and was diagnosed with Adolescent Depression at 15.   It was a tough time for me, both personally and emotionally.  As a product of the welfare system, I could have easily taken the easy road and continued the viscous cycle of dependence.  However, being the “old soul” I was, I chose a different path.

I chose to focus on my college education.  Yes, I got married between my Sophomore and Junior years, but I finished my degree.  I also chose to wait to have children until I was 27, a full 7 years into my marriage.  I thought I had a handle on life.

Little did I know.

Before I birthed my children, my old friends, Depression and Anxiety, continued to follow me throughout my life.  I can remember on many occasions wondering to myself while driving, “what would happen if I just ran my car into that tree?  Would it be enough to kill me?”  I never went through with it, simply because I was afraid I’d live.  I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone.

I also remember panic attacks.  That awesome feeling of heart-pounding-can’t-breathe- absolute-terror that strikes without warning.

I went to the doctor and I was placed on medication.  Typical response by the medical community, sadly.  I used it for a while and decided I was “all better”.

I wasn’t on any type of medication when I got pregnant.  My first child was born 4 months after I turned 27.  Quite surprisingly (and unplanned), my second child was born 6 months into my 28th year.  They are, by far, my highest achievement in life.  They have taught me so much and I will forever be grateful for the opportunity to be their mother.

A couple of months after my son was born, my old friend Anxiety paid me a visit.  While driving down the road one day, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the fear that another driver was going to lose control of their car and hit us.  However, being the common sense-filled person I am, I realized there were no other cars on the road at that time.  Thus, I recognized the thought as irrational.  By this time, I’d been dealing with Ms. Anxiety for a long time.  I understood she was not my friend, but I convinced myself I was maybe just going through some post-partum issues.  I told myself I’d wait a few more months to give my hormones a chance to get back to normal (whatever normal is LOL).

Six months passed.  I was so busy!  With a then 21-month old and a 6-month old, I was running myself ragged.  I had very little help and was pushing myself, as I’m apt to do.

Anxiety and Depression refused to leave me alone.  I kept telling them our friendship was over, but every morning they were there, running around in my brain, telling me “you’re never going to be enough”.  Good enough.  Smart enough, The house wasn’t clean enough.  You haven’t lost enough weight.  You’ll never be a good enough mom.

Enough already!

I went back to the doctor.  Yes, more meds.  Yes, they worked.  Anxiety and Depression were vanquished!  Relegated to the dark recesses of my brain where the medications kept them covered and hidden.  However, the meds made me sleepy.  Groggy.  Fuzzy.  Foggy.  I felt like I wasn’t truly living life, but only slogging through.

This went on for 2 years.  Until, one day, I made my 180 decision:  I was going to out think Anxiety and Depression.  I was a competent, intelligent, logical, common sensed woman.  I could do this!

I visited my doctor and we developed the plan to wean me from my meds.  Two weeks later, I took my final doses and said goodbye to my haze-inducing crutches.  The next day, the withdrawal began.  Extreme dizziness and vertigo were my body’s responses to being crutchless.  For two horrible weeks I dealt with it.  But it finally subsided.

“Now what?”  My brain said.  “You know Anxiety and Depression are in here, just waiting to come out and play.”

“Yes, I know.  But I’m ready.”

And I was.

I’ll turn 40 (gasp!) in a mere 4 months.  I’ve been medication free for almost 10 years now.  In the past 10 years, I’ve faced a lot of changes:  Job changes, moving, the death of one of my parents, divorce, remarriage.   Yes, Anxiety and Depression are still around.  However, my big 180 moment came when I realized it’s not a situation that causes my emotions.  It’s MY REACTION to said situation.  If I control the reaction, I control the emotion.

Yes, depression and anxiety rear their ugly heads at any opportunity.  But, because I’ve been dealing with these two particular issues for almost 30 years, I recognize my personal syptoms and triggers.  Yes, my brain still tries to give me irrational fears and cause anxiety.  But I have the ultimate tool:  Logic.  Just like all those years ago on that highway I realized that no other car would hit us at that moment because, logically, there were no other cars on the highway to do so, I now have mastered the ability to logically outthink my anxiety.  I recognize that my brain sometimes tells me weird stuff.  But I also have cultivated the ability to recognize that most of the time it simply doesn’t make sense, logically.

Depression is another story.  It strikes like a snake in the grass – quickly and without warning.  But, again, 30 years is a long time to ponder about something.  I’ve learned to force myself to MOVE FORWARD.  Every single day.  Each morning, the sun comes up, whether I’m happy or sad, mad or euphoric, worried or blissful.  Each morning, God gives us the opportunity to experience His wonder.  The world is a beautiful place. Sometimes we just forget to look around.

I practice thankfulness each night.  I started this practice when I was in college and was fighting a deep, dark depression that had been around for years.  Each night when I go to bed, I think back on my day and find ONE thing that made me smile, or lifted my spirits.  Somedays are better than others. During those first few days, I would cling to small things such as a pretty flower I’d seen, or the fact that I’d seen a child’s smile.

Nowadays I count my blessings.  I have a truly wonderful, supportive husband who loves me unconditionally and without boundaries.  I have two intelligent, beautiful, athletic, charming kids who, even though as almost-teens drive me insane somedays, are the light of my life.  I have a simple life by choice.  I live in the country where it’s quiet. On clear nights, I simply marvel at the stars.  In the Spring, the frogs sing their cacophonous chorus.  I work in our garden and enjoy the sunshine as much as possible. I take pictures of pretty flowers I see, to remind me of times when a pretty flower was the only light among my dark days.

Yes, I’m a busy mom and wife:  Working, house, laundry, kids’ sports and events, blah blah blah.  Yes, I still have visits from Anxiety and Depression.  Only now, I’ve figured out the ultimate weapons against them:  FAITH and HOPE.

I have full faith that God has a plan for me.  He will put me where He needs me, even if it means moving a mountain (or in my life, a divorce, a new husband, moving, new schools and a new job) to do so.  I have hope because I’ve learned in my almost 40 years that the sun always comes up tomorrow, providing us with new opportunities to enjoy God’s plan for us.

We just have to keep looking for those little things that make us smile and hold on.